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The Dangers of Encouraging Parental Estrangement in the Name of “Boundaries”
In the past decade, a cultural shift has normalized adult children severing ties with parents under the banner of “setting boundaries.”
Contact Page Entry / Anonymous
11/3/20253 min read
TikTok videos with millions of views celebrate “no contact” as empowerment, therapy-speak forums label everyday parental missteps as “toxic,” and self-help books promise liberation from “narcissistic” moms and dads. Yet beneath the triumphant hashtags lies a quieter epidemic: regretful estrangers grappling with depression, fractured identities, and the irreversible loss of family history. Encouraging estrangement as a first-line solution, rather than a last resort after exhaustive repair attempts, inflicts preventable harm on individuals, grandchildren, and society’s intergenerational fabric.
1. It Medicalizes Normal Conflict
Therapists once helped clients tolerate parental flaws; now some reflexively validate rupture. A 2023 study of 8,495 American adult children found that only 13.9 % cited clear abuse as the estrangement trigger.
The rest? Mismatched values, divorce fallout, or “feeling unsupported.” When therapists frame ordinary friction as trauma, clients learn to pathologize parents rather than negotiate differences. Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement, observes that the bar for “trauma” has plummeted: a critical comment at Thanksgiving now qualifies.
This therapeutic overreach leaves estrangers convinced reconciliation is impossible, even when parents beg to understand.
2. It Leaves Estrangers Psychologically Adrift
Cutting off parents severs more than phone calls; it amputates identity. A 2021 qualitative study of 25 estranged adult children revealed a common arc: initial relief, then crushing grief, chronic self-doubt (“Did I overreact?”), and heightened depression.
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Without parental context, estrangers lose medical histories, cultural roots, and the mirror of shared memory. One participant confessed, “I’m finally allowed to be me… but I don’t know who ‘me’ is without them.” Long-term data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth show estranged adults report lower life satisfaction and higher rates of anxiety than peers who maintained low-contact relationships.
3. It Punishes Grandchildren and Extended Kin
Estrangement rarely stays dyadic. A 2023 survey of 1,005 estranged grandparents found 92% lost all contact with grandchildren, often overnight.
Children absorb the narrative that Grandma is “toxic” without ever hearing her side, inheriting grudges they didn’t earn. Siblings get triangulated: attend Mom’s birthday and risk exile. One estranged aunt told The Atlantic: “My niece thinks I abandoned her. She was four when her mom decided I was ‘enmeshed.’”
4. It Breeds Regret That Therapy Can’t Undo
Reddit’s r/regretgoingnocontact (membership 12k) is filled with posts like: “Three years in, I realized my mom’s ‘narcissism’ was undiagnosed ADHD. She’s dead now. I can’t apologize.” A 2022 Cornell study tracked 100 estrangers over five years; 41% attempted reconnection, but 68% of those efforts failed because parents had died, remarried, or simply closed the door.
Time is the one boundary no one can negotiate.
5. It Infantilizes Adult Children
The no-contact script... block numbers, delete photos, rehearse “gray rock” responses, treats 30-year-olds like helpless toddlers fleeing monsters. Yet research on resilience shows humans heal best inside imperfect relationships, not outside them. Karl Pillemer’s Legacy Project interviewed 1,500 elders... the happiest cited “forgiving parents” as a top life lesson.
Encouraging rupture teaches avoidance, not emotional regulation.
6. It Ignores Cultural and Class Bias
White, affluent millennials dominate estrangement forums; Black and immigrant families report lower rates, valuing collective endurance over individual purity.
Therapists steeped in Western individualism may misread cultural norms... elder respect, multigenerational households—as “enmeshment.” One Latino estranger later wrote: “My therapist said my mom’s daily calls were ‘boundary violations.’ In my culture they were love. I lost my entire support system.”
7. It Collapses the Distinction Between Harm and Hurt
Not every wound is abuse. A parent who prevents a teenage girl from dating "that guy", hurts; a parent who locks you in a closet harms... Conflating the two floods support groups with people who could have chosen low contact, structured contact, or family therapy. Structured contact—twice-yearly lunches, email-only updates—preserves safety without annihilation. Data from the UK’s Stand Alone charity show 63% of low-contact adults report stable mental health versus 38% of no-contact adults.
A Better Path: Boundaries Without Banishment
Before torching the bridge, try:
A clear letter: “When you comment on my weight, I feel shamed. Please stop, or I’ll end the call.”
A six-month “boundary boot camp” with a neutral therapist who requires both parties to attend.
Limited contact: holidays via Zoom, gifts by mail, therapy homework assigned to parents.
If violence or addiction persists, no contact may indeed save lives. But for the 86% whose parents never raised a hand, encouragement to “divorce” them is reckless. As one reconciled daughter told Psychology Today: “I thought cutting her off would free me. Instead, I carried her in my head 24/7. Meeting her halfway freed us both.”
Society gains nothing from a generation orphaned by ideology. Parents are not Spotify subscriptions to cancel when the playlist sours. They are flawed humans who diapered us, financed orthodontia, and will one day need burial. Encouraging mass estrangement in the name of “boundaries” doesn’t create healthier adults; it creates lonelier ones. True boundaries say, “This far, but no farther.” They do not say, “Never again.”